“Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” – Psalm 62:8, NLT
What do we do when God says no? Or when things don’t turn out the way that we planned? When we pray and we pray and we pray, but they stay sick; wombs stay empty; bodies still weaken; spouses still leave? Where is God when we face loss, loneliness, lack, and pain? Where is He in the land of unanswered?
As I listened to the doctor’s report about how my son would die, these questions stomped through my brain like a heard of elephants. I lost the ability to think clearly, to process the words the doctor was saying. My only goal was to keep it together until he left and I could escape the room before the walls closed in around me.
Walking quickly down the hall, refusing to make eye contact or respond to the nurse’s greeting – I found the bathroom reserved for parents. It was the only place where I could be alone and it had become a sacred space for me. It was here on the cold tile that I would fall apart, screaming silently at a God who had promised to be with me and now seemed so far away.
“God, where are you in this? Why did you give him to me if you planned to take him away? Why would you do that? What kind of Father are you? He cannot die. You have to fix this.”
I would love to say I faced his hospitalization with much more grace than I did – that these moments didn’t really happen. But…they did. There by the urinal and toilet, I grappled with questions that have built walls between the Father and His children for generations. And there, He met me. Not with anger for my lack of trust, but with unconditional Father’s love. Kneeling before my porcelain altar, I offered this simple prayer before drying my tears and heading back in to hold my sons hand – the only response I could give to a Holy God who would meet me in this unholy place, “God, if you take him, I will still love you.”
The Bible is full of stories much like mine. Great men and women of the faith who face infertility, loss, devastation, famine, loneliness, and war. Their names are carved into Hebrews 11, the Christian’s “Hall of Fame,” not because they lived lives untouched by this world’s brokenness – but because as they lived through it, they found the Father in it. Psalm 34:19 says that “the good man does not escape all troubles (TLB).”
The prophet, Isaiah, tells us in Isaiah 43 verse 2 that we will go through high water, blazing fire, and rushing river in this life. We will face hard times. Yet, the Lord says: “I will be with you.” In the waters, in the fire, in the river – “I will be with you.” In the hospital room, in the empty apartment, in the courtroom lobby – “I will be with you.” As you hear the diagnosis, as you pack the boxes, as you look at yet another negative pregnancy test – “I will be with you.” As you try to make sense of what can’t be understood – “I will be with you.”
Prison sentences, infant loss, abuse, and infertility – the Bible does not shy away from the hard places. When Paul and Silas find themselves in a prison cell – held within wooden stocks, unable to move – they could have chose to do a great many things: complain, cry, throw a fit, fall apart, get angry. But they didn’t. They worshipped.
Just like David did after the death of His son in 2 Samuel and Jacob did as he stood at death’s door (ref: Hebrews 11:21).
Just like Noah did after the flood (ref: Genesis 8:20) and Mary did knowing what her unplanned pregnancy might cost her (ref: Luke 1:46-50).
In the beginning, in the middle, and at the very end of their stories– children of God all throughout scripture chose worship as the response to the hard places in life. What if we did to? Confused? Worship. Hurting? Worship. Lost? Worship. Feeling alone? Worship. Facing loss head on? Worship.
In 1922, Helen Lemmel, inspired by a tract written by missionary Lillias Trotter, penned one of her most famous songs, “The Heavenly Vision.” Lemmel was no stranger to tragedy and heartbreak. She had been a famous vocalist performing in concerts around the United States until a tragic illness had taken away her sight. Unable to handle her blindness, Lemmel’s husband had abandoned her. What could have silenced her instead only served to spur her on and, by the end of her life, she had authored over five hundred hymns – many that are still being sung to this day.
As we close the book on this lesson, I am reminded of the words to one of her most famous hymns and, as I sing them in my heart, I find myself imagining Paul, Silas, David, Jacob, Hagar, Sarai, and Helen singing them with me as well:
Verse 1: O soul, are you weary and troubled? No light in the darkness you see? There’s a light for a look at the Savior, And life more abundant and free! Chorus: Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace.
Verse 2: Through death into life everlasting, He passed and we follow Him there; O’er us sin no more has dominion – For more than conqu’ors we are!
Verse 3: His Word shall not fail you – He promised; Believe Him, and all will be will; Then go to a world that is dying, His perfect salvation to tell.